Conner, Your 3!

Oh my dear Conner,

I can't believe your three, I am not sure where the time went. What I do know is that I have watched you grow at alarming rates into a handsome (but you have always been) sweet, kind, loving boy. I have watched you learn so many things.. How to walk, how to talk, how you cope with things that would be difficult for a adult. I have watched you get really sick, I held your little hand a prayed harder then I have ever prayed to ask our Heavenly Father to wake you up. and He did. I watched you fight for your life. and win. I watched you learn to kick a ball and have seen how you love it. I have watched you take in so much and learn from your big brother. I have watched you learn how to check you blood sugar, do insulin shots, have a brave face and look me in the eye and say it didn't hurt mama. As I learned to put in your insulin pump. I have watched you splash in the mud. play on the playground. learn, sometimes the hard way about listening. I have rocked you, and held you, and I never knew love until I met Justin, and then you. You bring light to my life. You hold my hand, and are learning to sing. you are one of the best cuddlier I have ever met. and your one of the greatest joys I have ever known. Sweet Heart I wish you would stay little. but then again I cant wait to see what you will become.

I love you

Love Mom

Justin, my love

You turned three today. It is amazing to me how last year you didn't know what to do with the presents and this year you knew exactly what to do.

I sat and watched you get all excited about your gifts. It is awesome how your eyes light up.

I know that your gonna grow up so fast. With every moment you are turning into a little kid sized human.

I remember what seemed like yesterday your daddy handed you to me for the first time. I was so tired but your little face looked up at me and I have never felt more joy. You and your brother make my world go around without you I wouldn't be the mom I am today.

You have taught me patience, love, understanding, hope and true joy. I hope that I can continue to raise you with the love and attention you need.

I pray the we get though the hard times together. And share the happy ones.

Justin-head I love you!

Overwelmed

How it came to be this way, I don't even know. Was it the constant alone? Was it the fact that no one seemed to have time to sit with me in my seeming 3rd world war aftermath?
Was it the fact that I didn't seem to know how to handle my life, my children. And the inability to accept help cuz that would make me a failure .

The point is the I should be able to handle this, woman do it all the time, the army/air force/navy/marines/coast guard/ hell all the service men and woman that get called, leaves someone at home to hold down the fort for 6 months, a year+, two, sometime god forbid. Forever. And here I am falling apart over a mear 6 weeks.

Today I am going on 3 or 4 days of no sleep, why I don't know. I close my eyes, and still wake up exhausted. Like I never closed my eyes at all.

I have friends, I have family, far and near. All of them work, whether it be a stay at home mom, who trust me has no time, a 9 to 5, or a military 5,6 to who knows. And then the two full time jobs that only allow personal time when you have to pee, are driving to the next job.

I had a very good friend that chose to leave. I was never given the reason. I was never given a hint it was happening but when my second child was safe in my arms my best friend never saw, talked, or replied again.

He is still missed, he was the one although he very rarely was able to fix it. He knew that if he listened to me it made it better. This I am afraid is what made him go. But you can't redo the past, you can't undone the past. I lost him. He's gone and I erased his information from my phone, Facebook, my life as to respect his decision to leave. And this way I was unable to stalk him. Which for a while I did cuz being in denial that he was gone. But in fact that was the way it was he was gone.

I miss him.

But I have made friends, none are him, but friends none the less. And I appreciate their space in my life.

Yet somehow my life my world has fallen around my ankles and I can't seem to stop it.

I am in the corner of the church facing the corner, so no one can see my tears. Blogging into the unknown world. Which is fine with me. I guess

Justins birth!

Our son was born:

Our pregnancy with Justin-head was smooth in conparsin. However the night of July 3rd 2009. I was having a super uncomfortable night. Jason made dinner And I invited Whitney and her husband Michael over to eat with us. To pose as a distraction if you will.

They came over. I couldn't eat. I hurt so bad. Man not fun. Sitting wasn't happening. Relaxing... Not working, nothing made it better. NOTHING

I called the doctor and I was told that my doctor was not on call. I would have to deal with his on call doctor.... Which I wasn't happy with. I told them I would wait. And hung up.

Yeah I waited about 30 Minutes. Before realizing that this sucks and I didn't want to hurt. Anymore. I tried to take a bath. Not successful. So I called back. Docter Michael Finzgered called me and asked me what my sugar was... 117. Well that is good. told me to hang out as long as I could at home. Lol yeah, right.

I didn't know what to expect. I was pretty freaking unsure about everything. Everything I had planned wasn't happening the way I planned. But there was nothing I could do about that.

Jason, my husband, calmly got my things together. Got in the car And drove me to the hospital.

I was sure this wasn't real. I mean it really sucked but real labor? I didn't think so. I ended up hooked up to the contraction and fetal heartbeat monitor at about 9:30.

Justin-head: well see mister man didn't like tests. Never did. He had to go in for bi-weekly NST's which he very regularly failed. Well took his time passing anyway. How you pass them is get his heartbeat to accelerate from baseline. By 15 beats per minute for 15 seconds. 3 times in 20 minutes. It means that things are good.. He was never good at that. An this time was no exception. So they said he was distressed and although I wasn't having regular contractions I had to stay cuz they were worried about Justin. Because They couldn't really find his baseline it varied to much.

I was put in one of the labor and delivery rooms. Where I called my sister Callie, she was going to be my labor coach. She came down and tried to help me out. Now remembering exactly what happened in order is pretty unclear. It was almost 2 years ago And I was pretty overwhelmed and the drugs and stuff make things get fuzzy.

I remember that I was hurting with the contractions. And they were having issues with monitoring Justin so they put me in a gown... Put a oxygen mask on. And of course the baby monitoring stuff. Well the his Heart rate was not tracking on the strip and it cept dropping off the grid. Which is bad. Do they went to put a monitor on his head. My water had already broke, or so I thought. Anyway when they put the thing on his head it pop my water.... It FREAKED me out. I started hyperventilating and the pain with the contrations really became super painful.

Suddenly the doctor and nurses crowed around and were worried about his heart. The epidural lady came in and put it in. And what seemed like a few minutes later doctor finzgered said that Justin had to come out now Via c-section. It was a big rush. I was scared for my baby.

They rolled me onto the OR and cut me open before Jason even got in the room. Jason held my hand and kept me calm.. Not an easy feat. And when Justin came out and cried for the first time. I became a Mom. And in an instant I was so much in love.

Callie came in and sat at my head while Justin had some work done. Jason cut the cord after the nurses got him breathing and doing better then he had been doing. He kept his cool although it was probably scary.

Fianlly they brought my little boy over to my face so that I could meet him. I gave him kisses and I fell in love with everything. His face, eyes, smell. They took him away pretty quick. He was having probloms and needed to be watched pretty close.

I went to recovery, and when I got back to my room Jason was right there. He told me Justin was fine and good and he would bring him in a few minutes later.

Time went by... Forever if you ask me... But fianlly Jason rolled Justin in. He sat in the rocking chair with my beautiful baby boy, I touched him with my fingertips. And Jason stood up and laid him in my arms and then leaned over and kissed him. It is an amazing picture. My mom was in the room taking pictues although I never saw her.. Just my baby boy.

It was a dream come true. I had wanted a baby for so long... I mean I hadn't been on birth contol for years and I can't even say I uses protection much. And I never got pregnent. I thought maybe I couldn't. And then suddenly we were!! It was amazing! But another story.

My point of this one is this is the day I became a mom, and I am so grateful for the opportunity. It is an amazing journey that I will love every minute of!

My 2 year old baby boy, Justin

My sweet baby boy, he isn't so much a baby anymore. He turned 2 this week. Man I can't believe how much he has grown, or how fast it happened.

Today he was playing cars on the couch. He runs the little cars and trucks up the arm of the couch, a crossed the pillows he carefully laid there, And then he gets to where his brother Conner and I are laying. So he runs his truck up my leg. Onto my tummy and over his brothers head. It made me smile and laugh a lot.

He has taken The roll as big brother very well. In fact he is amazing. He gives kisses, and hugs and worries about him when he cries.

The other day we were at the doctors office for Conner.. The doctor said some things that sucked to hear. And I was pretty upset. My son hugged me. I didn't ask (and I usually have to) he just came up and hugged me.

He loves bath time, cars and trucks, going to the park, and throwing anything off the ground.

He hangs out with his cousins quite a bit. Kaylynn is so cute with him, the other day at the park we watched as he threw wood chips on the slide. And Him and Kay laughed and giggled. We got great video footage of it.

He loves kitty's, I mean loves them tons. He hugs them.. Even when they don't want to be huged.

And then there is his daddy! They are so cute together, his eyes light up anytime his dad walks into the room. They play cars, and work in the garage. And just have a great time.

Anyway I just wanted to share how wonderful my oldest son is.

Justin Alexander Giese I love you more then words will ever be able to say!

Haircut

After I had Conner my hair, which got really long during my hospital stay was super icky. It had super split ends and I felt totally ugly and unattractive. So I asked my husband if he thought I could maybe get my hair cut. He said maybe.

The next morning he comes in while I am getting out of the shower, make your appointment. Get your hair done.

So I go see Stan. He cuts and colors my hair. It looks fantastic!

We then went to anchorage for family picture, Conner's newborn, and Justin's two year old.

We get home and I say.. "you didn't say anything about my hair" he says "it looks fine" "it looked great before" he is amazing! I love him!!

Our second born child, Conner

Our second born son was brought into the world.
Conner Mathew Giese
June 3rd 2011

By Doctor Sherrie Richey & Mark Richey via planned c-section

He weighted 6 pounds 13 ounces
18 1/2 inches long
Head cir. Of 34 inches

Born at Providance medical center in anchorage Alaska.

He has a big brother who loves him very much.