Justin, my love

You turned three today. It is amazing to me how last year you didn't know what to do with the presents and this year you knew exactly what to do.

I sat and watched you get all excited about your gifts. It is awesome how your eyes light up.

I know that your gonna grow up so fast. With every moment you are turning into a little kid sized human.

I remember what seemed like yesterday your daddy handed you to me for the first time. I was so tired but your little face looked up at me and I have never felt more joy. You and your brother make my world go around without you I wouldn't be the mom I am today.

You have taught me patience, love, understanding, hope and true joy. I hope that I can continue to raise you with the love and attention you need.

I pray the we get though the hard times together. And share the happy ones.

Justin-head I love you!

Overwelmed

How it came to be this way, I don't even know. Was it the constant alone? Was it the fact that no one seemed to have time to sit with me in my seeming 3rd world war aftermath?
Was it the fact that I didn't seem to know how to handle my life, my children. And the inability to accept help cuz that would make me a failure .

The point is the I should be able to handle this, woman do it all the time, the army/air force/navy/marines/coast guard/ hell all the service men and woman that get called, leaves someone at home to hold down the fort for 6 months, a year+, two, sometime god forbid. Forever. And here I am falling apart over a mear 6 weeks.

Today I am going on 3 or 4 days of no sleep, why I don't know. I close my eyes, and still wake up exhausted. Like I never closed my eyes at all.

I have friends, I have family, far and near. All of them work, whether it be a stay at home mom, who trust me has no time, a 9 to 5, or a military 5,6 to who knows. And then the two full time jobs that only allow personal time when you have to pee, are driving to the next job.

I had a very good friend that chose to leave. I was never given the reason. I was never given a hint it was happening but when my second child was safe in my arms my best friend never saw, talked, or replied again.

He is still missed, he was the one although he very rarely was able to fix it. He knew that if he listened to me it made it better. This I am afraid is what made him go. But you can't redo the past, you can't undone the past. I lost him. He's gone and I erased his information from my phone, Facebook, my life as to respect his decision to leave. And this way I was unable to stalk him. Which for a while I did cuz being in denial that he was gone. But in fact that was the way it was he was gone.

I miss him.

But I have made friends, none are him, but friends none the less. And I appreciate their space in my life.

Yet somehow my life my world has fallen around my ankles and I can't seem to stop it.

I am in the corner of the church facing the corner, so no one can see my tears. Blogging into the unknown world. Which is fine with me. I guess